Yesterday I got involved in a bit of a debate on facebook which quickly escalated into a parent bashing post so I made my excuses and left fairly sharpish.
It involved a grumpy post about parents letting their kids run about in places like travel agents, supermarkets and restaurants after a genuinely bad experience and whilst I do sympathise my comment was supposed to be a light-hearted “Mine are normally good but there have been occasions when one has played up for whatever reason and sometimes there is nothing you can do to bring them round”
For the record, I would never take my kids into a travel agent as for a child they are the most boring places on earth and it is asking for trouble, but there have been times when I have been totally shown up by my children.
As a child growing up in the 70’s and 80’s we were ruled by the fear of smacking and were regularly left locked in the car when our parents went to the shop, pub or travel agent which caused no end of fights between ourselves as we were bored. Nowadays it is frowned upon to leave your car with a child inside for a minute to pay for you fuel and smacking is frowned upon, so times have certainly changed for the better.
My kids are great 95% of the time. They are polite, honest, respectful and do as they are asked, however like anybody, young or old, they get bored, have bad days or just love to wind each other up to generate a reaction.
- I have been that mother frustrated by a long wait for our food in a restaurant, trying to get my four year old to sit still and stop dancing around our table.
- I have been that mother trying to bribe a bored toddler around the supermarket with food (that I had already purchased, obviously).
- I have been that mother who has had to carry her child out of a toy shop because they had a tantrum because I wouldn’t buy them a toy that they wanted.
- I have been that mother whose child has climbed into the clothing rails and won’t come out
- I have been that mother that has had to physically catch her child because they refuse to come home from the park.
- I have been that mother who has asked her child to stop running and then watched them fall into a muddy, water filled ditch.
Kids play up – fact!
They have to learn was is acceptable and what is not and the way they do that is making mistakes and having our support to put them right.
Some days it is easier to deal with it than others!
In fact, I try not to put myself in situations where I know it is likely that a child will play up, but it is not always that easy.
Earlier this year I was on a train from Waterloo back to Bournemouth which is a 2.5 hour journey. My kids were brilliant all the way home, until we were about 20 minutes away from our stop. We had been given a goody bag at the event that we attended which contained a deflated balloon and Eliza found it and insisted on chewing it. I was scared she would swallow it and she refused to put it away, so in the end I took it from her mouth. She clamped down hard so it made a “snap” sound as it came into my hand which sounded like I had smacked her. Of course she howled because she wanted her balloon and I then proceeded to get bellowed at by a fellow passenger who hadn’t seen what had happened but passed judgement anyway.
I totally agree that there are some parents out there that do not even attempt to discipline their children, which does give us parents that try to instil respect in our kids a bad name, but the majority of us are probably mortified by their behaviour and are trying desperately to calm the situation and deal with it controlled way. We cannot parent by fear of smacking these days. Our armoury is now full of loss of privileges / phones / computers and reasoning.
How do you discipline your children – do you avoid going out for fear of them showing you up?
I will always discipline my children whether I am in public or not. The state of my mood will depend on whether they get a stern talking to or being shouted at. I have placed my kids in time out when in shops, at one point I had two of them in time out facing away from each other with me stood in the middle. That got a few odd looks. Likewise if I have seen another parent disciplining their child and looking stressed about it I have tried to give them a reassuring word or smile to let them know they are not alone. My husband gets very embarrassed by the kids when they misbehave and so he would rather stick them in the car and just go home but by my reckoning they have won because they don’t enjoy shopping and whilst we don’t do it often with them in tow, sometimes its a necessity. One even said to me once “Daddy would just take us home if we played up?” to which the response from me was, “I’m not Daddy and so I think we will stay out shopping for a while longer OR until you can show me respectful behaviour” they soon bucked their ideas up 🙂
Time out doesn’t seem to work with mine, sadly. The older they get the tougher it seems to be and the only thing that works is the fear that they won’t get to play outside or on their games console
Time out does not walk here, so I have had to work out what the triggers are an avoid them. Feels like I am walking a tightrope half the time. In the past month and a half he has only embarrassed me in public about twice, but during 4 of the 6 weeks of the Summer holidays it happened a few times although they were actually more indoors. 85% of the time he is good but it has taken a lot of learning from me, working out what works and what doesn’t. I am always sympathetic to parents in that situation though.
Liska xx
It is tough isn’t it and they all have different triggers and what works for one doesn’t necessarily work for the other. I have every sympathy for other parents and find the most intolerant people are those who do not have kids
I think the judgement has always been there for parents – but nowadays, with social media, and people in general more connected online, people seem even more judgemental. I do remember the tantrums walking around Woolworths because I wouldn’t be buying him a toy on this visit, or the time that he was throwing bits of his dinner on the floor in a restaurant because they were yucky. But any dagger eyes from others whilst I disciplined MY child were ignored. I like to think I’ve brought up a well behaved young man, he has his moments, even still as a teenager, but I only have to give a stern word – no shouting – and it is resolved. Parenting is a hard enough job as it is, without the judgement of others.
I always feel so sorry for parents when they have tantruming kids in public, I have been there many times. I’d never judge another parent over their kids behaviour. x
Generally my son is really well behaved in public, but even the best behaved child will play up from time to time. I think so many people rush to judge when they don’t know the full facts. The child might have come on ill, or might be tired or hungry. The truth is we just don’t know when we encounter a random stranger.
That’s terrible that a passenger shouted at you! People should mind their own business. Parenting in public is difficult – you need to regain control, but you can’t do it with yelling. My boys were actually kicking each other in Bristol a few months back and I was so ashamed! There was nothing I could do to calm them down until they decided to do it for themselves. I guess we have to grow thick skins and know that 95% of the time our kids are good, but sometimes we will be ‘that’ mother with ‘those’ kids. Other mums will just be looking at us and feeling relieved it’s not them this time!
I remember I was mostly a good child, but if I got bored I would get fidgety and want to move around, which was sadly normally in church and never went down that well. x
I had a fun chat in M&S a few weeks back with a woman who complained about my kids behaviour. Truth be told they’d been loud as anything the whole time but had just calmed down and it was the calm bit she moaned about as they were laughing a lot which she didn’t like. She was stressed about her own situation, we had words, it wasn’t fun. Parenting is the easiest thing in the world to judge and the hardest thing to do and even when you’re doing a good job, as you were on the train, you still get judged anyway!
I can see both sides of this. I have literally dragged Mini out of somewhere to the car based on his behaviour. I have also let him carry on, just so we can get something done.
A really interesting post and it is so tricky to get it right. You are damned if you do reprimand in public but equally damned if you don’t do anything and the kids continue to play up. I once shouted at L outside school as he had been really naughty, one of the dad’s just stood there, open mouthed. looking at me as if I was the worst mother in the world. To this day, he hasn’t spoken to me which is very childish but I don’t care, I will reprimand mine in public and although I would never smack them, sometimes you do have to raise your voice.
I can definitely see both sides, but I do make sure Leo knows even if we are out x
for me disciplining in my house is ineffective if dont follow it through outside too so i try to remain consistent … i have seen some utterly horrific instances of disciplining a child the latest being in town and the women literally dragged her 3 year old by one arm out of a shop all the while screaming I’m going to kick your f ing head in …. the security guard did step in … i think maintaining consistency and taking deep breaths help x
With three under five, I find it easier to try and avoid certain situations. Food shopping is done in the evenings, in fact shopping at all is for when I have childcare and I try to make sure that they don’t get too hungry as I know that is a major trigger. Of course they have complete meltdowns every now and again, but I just try and stay calm and in control (even if I am screaming in my head). Children are still learning and we can’t expect them to be perfect angels all the time
It is so hard isnt it. I have had moments of shouting at mine in public then feel awful afterwards! Luckily as they get older it gets easier to reason with them.