My eldest son no longer lives with us and it is something I struggle with everyday!
He chose to go and live with his Dad just before he started his GCSE’s as he was being bullied at his school here (which they failed to deal with), and thought the grass was greener on the other side (as you do as a teen).
Two years on, he has not done as well as we had hoped at his GCSE’s and is retaking a couple. I have had two poor school reports from his new school and when I phone his dad up to discuss it he knows nothing about it?
Surely, with my son’s history of doing as little work as possible, his Dad should be monitoring his progress and school and ensuring that he does his homework and attends all his lessons (he is now in 6th form so it is all more relaxed).
Having discussed the issues with his Dad last week, I phoned up yesterday to see if he had got to the bottom of the issues and arrange to go in and see the teachers at Parents Evening later this month at a time that is convenient for us both.
HE HAS ONLY BLOODY SWANNED OFF TO ST LUCIA!!
Now I don’t begrudge anyone having a holiday, but he has form for this. He goes away several times a year leaving our 16 year old son home alone. Yes, his Grandad lives a few doors down and yes, Nanny pops in from time to time but it is just not on!
I know my son feels pushed out. His dad has his own business and works long hours leaving Callan home alone and now there is a new baby on the way. He also treats Callan like a mate, taking him down the pub or out in fast cars which is all very well but when it comes to discipline, well lets just say there isn’t any and he often gets told he is going to be sent back to live with us when he upsets his dad.
I know Callan doesn’t like it when he stays with us in the holidays because he has rules here. He shares a room with his brothers so he isn’t allowed to stay up until the early hours playing on his Xbox or phone, not that I would allow it if he had his own room anyway. He often gets in a strop because my husband is strict and he thinks that he is being picked on, when in fact the kids all have the same rules. I do expect the teens to help around the house and do get annoyed when he leaves empty packets and sweet wrappers lying about.
My other grumble is, whilst not academic, Callan is great with engineering. He attended a careers evening before Christmas and he has decided he wants to go into the RAF to work on aircraft. This is great, however, when questioned if he has applied yet he says he doesn’t need to until he has finished school in July. Now he may be right, but I want to check and cannot find any information online so I need his Dad to check the paperwork he got from the careers event.
His Dad also told me that he had arranged work experience for Callan with the army working on the tanks, all Callan needs to do is phone and arrange a time to visit. If it was me I would stand over my son to make sure he made the phone call ……….his dad hasn’t even given him the number, instead choosing to wait until he asks for it. Now I am sorry, but he is 16 – yes he needs to learn to do things for himself, but he is still at the age where he needs a rocket up his bum gentle nudge in the right direction.
It is so frustrating not being close enough to pop in and put him back on the right track and help him make the decisions that are going to affect the rest of his life……..he needs guidance and support, not a mate!
Oh how frustrating for you. Having a 17 year old I sympathise hugely, they still need a lot of support and back- up, in fact in some ways they need it more than ever- being on the verge of being out there on your own is scary, and it is all too easy for them to put their fingers in their ears and make no decisions at all, they definitely need someone cheering them on/nagging them/holding their hand at this point, and it must be so much harder at a distance. If it were me I would be on the phone to the school, asking them to keep you posted and perhaps they could find out the details from the careers event- or give you a contact number?
As for the holiday thing, my ex doesn’t take our daughter on holiday since the arrival of their second child, and she feels like a second class member of the family because of it. Must be even worse if you actually live there and get left behind. Hugs all round. Xx
The school have been brilliant and send me monthly updates, he is just the type of child that needs supervision and a giant kick up the bum to get him to do his work.
As for the holiday thing it is a contentious issue here. We went away for Disney last year in term time and as he was doing his GCSE’s he couldn’t come. It caused a lot of arguments despite him having abroad holidays every year with his Dad and we hadn’t even had a UK one for years!
It is always hard. When I am teenage, I am a nightmare. I think this is how teenage are. Hope he be more sensible soon.
I think they turn a corner when they hit 20 lol
Oh I would definitely get in touch with the school.I’m a single mum and I think there’s more pressure on me to make sure my kids do well at school especially if you know they have a talent.I think you may have to have to talk to his dad and explain that he needs a firmer hand and then sit down and talk with your son to see if you can talk things through.There definitely needs more communication between the 3 of you.Good luck!
I know his dad does try, teenagers are frustrating things! lol
this sounds so frustrating! I hope he does get on and do the engineering placement, and everything works out well for him
Looks like he has missed out on this one, but he can apply for others!
How refreshing! My 16 year old sounds very similar. I really want him to get a part time job and find it shocking that he hasn’t ever worked, I worked from the age of 14 and full time at 16, however, he just won’t do anything proactive. His nickname is The Sloth, kind of says it all really!
It is so difficult for them to get jobs these days as most employers won’t touch them before they leave school. He has a part time job in a chippy which he enjoys!
Sounds so frustrating! My boys are younger and I already feel the control slipping, so I have no useful advice to give except maybe to talk to the school? I have no idea if it can help… So just sending you a hug and good luck!
Thank you x
Frustrating, I’d say keep on at both of them (maybe even his grandparents), it’s better than him missing out on something and then having to wait another year for the same opportunity.
I am afraid to say he has missed out. He will have to do it the apprenticeship way now
That sounds really frustrating and I have no idea what I’d do in your position. Hope you come up with a solution soon.
Thank you – I have got off my bum and found the info I need – he is too late to apply now – I am so annoyed!
Bad mouthing your sons father all over the internet isn’t going to help matters is it. My mum did exactly the same and i resented her even more for it growing up, not my dad. How do you think your son would feel if he read this? This post is a thoughtless, ranting disgrace!
If you going to make the one nasty comment on this page then please have the guts to give a name – try owning your own shit before commenting on someone else’s life. I’m using my Google account here but am perfectly happy to give my real name Nikki Hayes in my comment.
It must be so difficult for you not to just go and drag him back! I know that when my Mum left my sister stayed with my Dad and did go off the rails a bit as they were more like friends than him being a Dad to her (even though she was a bit older than your son). I really hope things work out for you all in the long run.
I would love him to go home, but when he left we were very strict about it being permanent as I didn’t want his school work to suffer
That is beyond frustrating 🙁 I would contact the school and see if you can arrange a meeting with your son present too – to thrash out a way forward? I have one 16 yr old and one nearly 12 (the 12 yr old gives me FAR more hassle than his older brother) and we have rules and expectations too – it matters. Boundaries matter. Really hope you can sort this out with as little grief as possible for all of you. xx
Thank you. They are different I know…….bith mine would hide in their rooms playing consoles for hours if we let them!
Gosh that’s tough Kara. We always want to do the best for our kids and it must be so frustrating not being able to support your son in the same way you could at home. Teenagers are funny fish though – I for one was a nightmare! I’m sure everything will work itself out soon enough 🙂
My eldest had her moments too. It is really hard letting go and making them make their own mistakes!
I imagine it must be frustrating and I know both my parents often despaired of me as a teenager. Everything worked out ok in the end though. I am sure it will for your son too x
That is so true. I know my parents despaired of me at times!
Oh, i can only imagine how you must be feeling and how frustrating it must be for you! I really hope your son manages to sort out his work experience and applications forms x
Thank you. I have arranged to go up there at the end of the month
I get frustrated with not living close enough to mine to be able to swing in and keep tabs on whats going on – emails just aren’t the same are they? x
No it is not the same and I hate not being in control!
I don’t think I was that bad, but my Dad begs to differ lol
We are still at the terrible twos, so can hardly give you any useful insights on dealing with teens. But yes, that is an age when they need good guidance. It is after all, a start to their adult lives.
It must be so difficult to see this happening and be able to do little about it. I also tried to jump ship to my dads when I was a teen but my parents wouldn’t let me! Sending positive thoughts your way, I hope you find a way to resolve things.
Jeez are we the same person? My eldest went to live with his dad for several reasons. It was so bloody hard to not be there to keep a close eye. He is now back at home with us and we are trying to get him to realise if he doesn’t pull his finger out he will fail his gcses. It’s so frustrating. I hope you find a resolution.
What a nightmare for you, and ultimately for your son. Being a ‘mate’ isn’t going to help him in the long run, just gives his Dad an easier ride right now. I feel for you, must be really hard, especially with a boy, who I find tend to need steering in the right direction far more than girls.
So you’re forced to play ‘bad cop’ while the whole show falls apart – it’s the stuff of nightmares and the biggest casualties are always the kids. You must be tearing your hair out.
Must be hard for you. Hope things look brighter soon x
I would be furious too. No suggestions, but just be there for your son when he needs you
That’s so frustrating isn’t it? I would be in touch with the school I think to try and sort our some sort of plan. Then you can get his Dad on board when he comes back x
This would drive me crazy, sending hugs lovely lady, keep persevering as he’ll thank you in the long run xx
What a horrid situation and I can imagine it really is a struggle that you don’t have him at home with you. I think that must be the hardest thing of all and then when it feels like you’ve lost all control it must make it even worse. He may be 16b but he’s still your baby and your first baby at that… I hope you manage to make it work with his Dad so that everyone can feel happy about the situation. 🙂